1. |
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THE CONTRADICTIONS CONSUME ME. AT LEAST, THIS IS
SOMETHING I’D LIKE TO IMAGINE, YET CAN’T. ACTUALLY,
IT IS ME MYSELF, WHO ERODES AT THE CONTRADICTIONS. SO
MUCH BARELY AN ILLUSION I DESPERATELY TRY TO KEEP. THE
ATTEMPT OF BURSTING THROUGH; A BLATANT MISTAKE.
SOMEHOW, CHANGING EVERYTHING FOR THE BETTER,
IS WHAT I TRIED AND FAILED AT. BRIGHT COLOURS MINGLE
IN WHAT I INTERPRET AS QUIET BLISS, AS THEY MEET THE
WATER‘S SURFACE AND A WARM WIND KISSES MY CHIN.
IF ONLY DYING WOULD BE THAT BEAUTIFUL. I SUBMERGE
MYSELF IN THE WATER AND HOLD MY BREATH UNTIL MY
LUNGS BEGIN TO BURN. MY HEAD SPINS, YET STRANGELY I AM
CONSCIOUS OF MYSELF AND MY BODY AS NEVER BEFORE.
THE COLOURS THAT USED TO BE SO BRIGHT, BECOME BLACK.
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2. |
Empathy
08:32
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THE ETERNAL CONFLICTS WITH MYSELF I BEAR, SINCE
DECADES A PERPETUAL, INELUCTABLE DECAY. I FEEL OLD;
FORLORNNESS BECAME MERELY AN IMPULSE. ANGST IS THE
ONLY THING THAT KEEPS ME GOING ON, THOUGH, I HAVE
LITTLE HOPE LEFT FOR THINGS TO CHANGE. THE ONLY
REASON I STILL LIVE IS BECAUSE I AM TOO AFRAID TO DIE.
WHAT EMPATHY WAS I FORGOT YEARS AGO. LOOKING BACK,
IT FEELS LIKE THE SEDUCTION OF BLINDNESS. PLEASE
UNDERSTAND, THAT I CAN’T TRUST IN THE HAND I TRIED TO
PULL OUT OF FURIOUS LOATHING ANYMORE, WHEN IT NOW
STRIKES DOWN ON ME. NO, YOU CAN’T ARGUE THAT THEY
ARE SEDUCED BY THEIR LEADERS, THEY ARE WHAT MAKES
THEM SOME.
BEING WELCOMED BY A MOB CARRYING TORCHES ISN’T
EXACTLY WHAT I HOPED FOR. FEELING THE RAIN PATTERING
ON MY FACE, AGAIN I KNOW THAT THERE IS NO ESCAPE FROM
OPAQUE DESPOTISM. I WEIGHTLESSLY FLOAT THROUGH THE
MESSY ENTRANCE OF WHAT THEY CHOSE TO BE MY NEW
HOME. I HAVE THE URGENT FEELING I WON‘T LEAVE THIS
PLACE ANYMORE.
NO, I DON’T TRUST IN HUMANITY.
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3. |
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I PERISH IN THE MASSES AND SOMEHOW THIS GIVES ME
COMFORT. I FEEL ASHAMED; SOLELY IN THE SORROW OF
OTHERS I AM ABLE TO FORGET. I CAME TO A POINT WHERE
THE DISCONTENT OF OTHERS GIVES ME PEACE. I FEEL HATRED
FOR MYSELF THE MOMENT I REALIZE MY OWN SADISM. I AM
FEELING SHIVERS. FEAR OF CHANGE AND AN IMMANENT
INTRISIC IGNORANCE TAKE TURNS WITH IMMACULATE
NOTHINGNESS. IN THE ONE MOMENT I DEGENERATE INTO
PANICKED STIFFNESS, IN THE OTHER, THROUGH A DEEP
EMOTIONAL UNDERTOW, I CAN’T REMEMBER THE LAST
TIME I FELT JOY OR EVEN EMPATHY. OVER THE LAST WHILE
I THOUGHT ALOT ABOUT HOW ENTHUSIASTIC I ONCE WAS.
HOW I TRIED TO MOTIVATE, MOVE AND INSPIRE THE PEOPLE
SURROUNDING ME.
IN REFLECTION OF WHAT I DECAYED INTO THIS FEELS LIKE
A PUNCH IN THE STOMACH. MY GUTS AND MY HEAD HURT,
BUT MAYBE THAT’S THROUGH THE CONSTANT LACK OF FOOD
AND CLEAN WATER. MAYBE I’M JUST TO CONCERNED WITH
MY EMOTIONAL STATE AND SHOULD JUST TRY TO GO ON
MANAGE STUFF SOMEHOW.
BUT I BROKE AND THE WORST THING IS THAT I AM CONSCIOUS
OF IT.
I JUST CAN’T.
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4. |
Distance | Closure
09:34
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IT FEELS LIKE DARK HAZE CRAWLING INTO MY VERY SOUL
WHEN I SEE ALL THE MEMORIES, ALL THE TEARS SUDDENLY
BURSTING INTO FLAMES IN FRONT OF ME. IT FEELS LIKE AN
ETERNITY UNTIL I FINALLY MANAGE TO TURN MY BACK TO
OUR BURNING HOUSE. I FEEL THE ARM OF SANITY SLOWLY
PULLING ME AWAY FROM THE FIRE; HEAVY LIES ITS WEIGHT
ON MY SHOULDERS. I FIRMLY BELIEVED I COULD CHANGE
EVERYTHING FOR THE BETTER BUT NOW ALL HOPE IS
BURNING DOWN IN FRONT OF ME.
SINCE SHE DIED THIS HOUSE WAS THE LAST STRAW I CLUTCHED
AT; HOME. IT’S NOW TIME FOR ME TO LEAVE NOTHING KEEPS
ME HERE ANYMORE. WELL IT’S NOT THAT I HAD ANY OTHER
OPTION BUT LEAVING MY WHOLE LIVE BEHIND ANYWAY. IN
THE DISTANCE I CAN HEAR A SHOT FIRED BEHIND MY BACK.
YES, I DO ONLY LIVE ON MY OWN BEHALF NOW.
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